You’ll see not only the stubborn and defiant side, but a more tender, and vulnerable side. From his relationship with his mother, to battling inner demons such as drooling, it’s been a wild ride. We asked the tough questions, and the answers we got surprised even us.

BRYAN: Hello Isaac. Always a pleasure to see you.
ISAAC: Mnnwah uh.
BRYAN: It occurs to me this is the first interview you’ve ever granted. Why is that?
ISAAC: Mom. Ma ma nnmhhg.
BRYAN: I see– So how would you characterize your relationship with your mother?
ISAAC: Car. Gomahhmnn. Mom.
BRYAN: So after a nine-month period during which you had very close ties with your mother, it’s now degraded to this. Your mother bought you a car– is that where the relationship begins and ends?
ISAAC: nmmughhh…
BRYAN: I understand. You don’t want to talk about it. Moving on– in the months since you’ve arrived, what has struck you most about life in the world?
ISAAC: (drooling on self) Uhn maygunhhtm.
BRYAN: And the drooling. I know you can’t help it– but how do people react to that?
ISAAC: Plane! MMnnhum uhhnnmguu. Plane…
BRYAN: Oh…yes. There… does… appear to be a plane… Yes indeed…
ISAAC: Uhmnn ugggehmmnnn…
BRYAN: Moving on. What part do your uncles play? Are they there through diapers and crying, or do they draw the line at slobber?
ISAAC: (Starts crying loudly.)
BRYAN: Exactly right– we are running low on time. Well, we appreciate you sparing a moment, thank you very much. Signing off– good night, and good luck.

Hughes, a Mesa girl, who reached her eighth year while the rest of the nation was eating Easter dinner, is said to be taking the news in stride. Inside sources say that her parents distracted her from her heartache by planning a pool birthday party, her first ever, and by piercing holes and precious metal straight into her ears. For the party, friends will gather from all over the city in well-wishing and gift-giving for the watery bash, or should we say splash? Hoping to inspire total jealousy and admiration, Hughes will be sporting her new 14Karat studs, after having her ears pierced Tuesday. This ear piercing tradition, or primitive intiation ceremony, has been allegedly observed for generations when a young female reaches the age of accountability as Hughes was reported to have reached last Sunday. The hazing lasts six weeks with constant washing, and watching for infection, under the supervision of medical (parental) personnel. At the conclusion of the hazing, if Hughes has endured, the studs can be replaced with any number of ear ornamentations.

If that weren’t enough of a distraction, Hughes will be bought off with more bribery as her mother takes her to shop for a new white dress, one worthy of making her the center of attention on the “big day” and buys her a personal set of sacred canonical documents with her name engraved in gold on the front. (This reporter wishes some of that precious metal would come her way).

Hoping to clench the deal with distracting Hughes away from her sorrow, dignitaries from all over the Western United States will be invited to attend the event- now planned for Saturday June 10th in Arizona near the Hughes’ home. The Family spokesperson gave no comment, but told reporters that they intend to collide another event with this previously planned baptism.

Sources say that Megan’s brother Spencer, 4 years her senior, will be turning twelve on May 31st, and therefore ready to undertake ordaination to a deacon. Hoping to make the most of the visiting VIP’s time, officials plan to do the ordination the same day as the baptism. The events will be followed by a large and fabulous meal for all in attendance. The family will provide a car to meet dignitaries at the airport, directions if they prefer their own wheels, food and lodging for all able to attend. The Family spokesperson requests that visiting dignitaries RSVP by pressing the “comments” button below to indicate their plans. If you would like further information or have any questions about the two above listed events, please call 1-800-2-BIG-DAY.

“My mission, as many may already suspect,” said Bryan, “is to capitalize on the perks of having a girlfriend while maintaining a total bachelor lifestyle as long as is humanly possible. The fact that my family can finally shut-up about my dating situation is purely icing on the cake.”

Says Annie Simonson on the subject. “In essence, we empower turn-key convergence to maximize extensible relationships. We’re deploying next-generation paradigms.”

“Deploy next-generation paradigms? Whatever, I do what I want!” Cris Kiang clarified. Having become the newest addition to the Simonson family, and the reason for renewed audacity in the sewing circle, Kiang has become rather smug.

While Bryan had long been very content as a single person, it was only the constant pestering of his family and friends that had sparked the idea to outsource his dating in the first place. Indeed, he quipped, “Perhaps with enough pestering, I just might go back to church again!” At that point he began laughing as if he’d just said something hilarious– only the laughter was off somehow, as if he’d been posessed by a demonic force.

After taking a breather, he said, “But it’s different now, I’m ready to move on with my life. I have seen the light. My mother, and sisters may have nagged away any spirit left within me, but you know? I just said it’s now or never, and decided to take the plunge.”

“With our patent-pending Memory-Lame technology,” says Annie Simonson, “Bryan will no longer need to remember all of those meaningless dates.” His People’s Memory-Lame technology is a network of computer linked businesses that will automatically send flowers on anniversaries, hire singing telegrams on birthdays, and provide dinner reservations for the oft hinted-at, but never concretely mentioned, “special occasions” which spawn randomly on the calendar. To date, no other dating service has a competing offering.

“I went with my People because they really cut the B.S. out of everyday dating-life, allowing me to live how I want to– single,” says Simonson. “You want to integrate end-to-end synergies? Well this will really morph your plug-and-play platforms.”

About Bryan Simonson
Bryan Simonson is a twenty-two year old man who doesn’t need any more nagging from family members. He is a sensitive, fun-loving family man who loves long walks on the beach. If you have any potential dates for Bryan, keep them to yourself, or forward them to one of his agents in Washington.

About his People
Cris Kiang Simonson, the reason for Bryan’s newfound and unwanted fame born out of his single status, will be the point person in Bryan’s day-to-day dating. Annie Simonson is the ring-leader of the Simonson Sister Secrets/Slander Circle.

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